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welcome.

This is my personal journal where I document simple everyday moments or life-changing experiences.

I never want to forget what I felt (physically & emotionally), thought, heard, saw, and smelt in certain moments.

will this make me more extroverted?

will this make me more extroverted?

I feel like whenever I put myself into an extrovert/social situation, I immediately regret not staying home... in my comfort zone. 

I can't count how many times when I'm attending a workshop, going to an event, or any environment where I don't know a single person and I end up texting Zack or a fellow introvert friend, "why do I always do this to myself? I'm an introvert and will always be". 

I've hidden in bathrooms to let out my tears until I recompose myself. I've left early from events because no one talks to me. I've stood in the corner of a party because I feel completely invisible. 

Since moving to MPLS almost two and a half years ago, I've really tried to reach out to the photography community and attend events to meet new people. I am totally proud of myself that I can go and do things by myself! I do enjoy my own company 78% of the time. But I do not know why it's so hard for me to just jump in and introduce myself. WHY. 

Because I came from a clique-y high school, I feel that when you have an established group of friends, new people are either not cool, not good enough, weird, or whatever to even make conversation with. 

I see other groups and I just cannot insert myself because of the fear of what people will think of me when I'm too assertive or like, "who does she think she is?" type of reaction. I can't handle that shit. 

It's really funny because my job requires me to be the extroverted Amy. It's super bizarre and I sometimes don't even know where she comes from. I have a job that I have to dig deep within to pull out 8+ hours of energy when there was very little to begin with. I fucking love my job. Every single part of it (except taxes). I love meeting my clients and getting to know them. I love meeting their friends and family on their wedding day. I've had many amazing conversations with the guests I'm seated with at dinner. 

You know what? I'm really going to stop being so timid and not be afraid to put myself out there. It's not going to fucking hurt to introduce myself and have the opportunity get to know someone. And I'll never know if there'll be networking opportunities or new friendships that will develop. I don't have to be rambunctious or totally out there but I can just say, "hello".

I know extrovert Amy is in there somewhere. She just needs to come out more often. 

short trip to bemidji

short trip to bemidji

the longest hug

the longest hug