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welcome.

This is my personal journal where I document simple everyday moments or life-changing experiences.

I never want to forget what I felt (physically & emotionally), thought, heard, saw, and smelt in certain moments.

jab, cross, hook, upper

jab, cross, hook, upper

That is right, folks. I am a kick boxer - er, I do kickboxing? 

I've been in this 10 week program over at Farrell's since 1/7 and I have THREE weeks left. So what happens after that? I will be continuing to go to Farrell's because I have come so far to quit now.

Before Farrell's, I effing hated working out. Being on a treadmill and elliptical is the worst thing I could ever put myself through. But everyone was doing it and so then I did too. Hating every second of it.

I worked at an athletic club between the ages of 17-22(ish). The older I grew, the more I went, the greater the community became to be. I loved going to the gym and meeting up with friends and co-workers for a class or do a lap around the weight machines. I loved being a part of it. 

There I went to kickboxing, cardio, yoga, Zumba, and core classes. Never really enjoyed any of it besides kickboxing. 

During college, my roommate and I would go to the gym every day. Ran and lifted a little. I thought to myself, "at least I'm doing something". 

After college, I moved back to Rochester, MN and continued going to the gym. I signed myself up for a 12 week program where I would get a nutritionist, personal trainer that I'd meet once a week, and a health coach. It was great and I was accountable for *actually* getting my ass to the gym. I lost 12 lbs and felt amazing.

My nutritionist held me accountable for the foods I ate, my calorie intake, and my steps.

My personal trainer taught me how to (properly) work the machines and showed me a bunch of exercises.

My health coach dug into my core and pulled out my insecurities, where they came from, and how to overcome them.

All was great...

Until then my program was over, I literally quit working out. Not like went down from 6 days a week to 5 days. Like, didn't even fucking go. 

I honestly don't even know WHY. I said that I needed a break and I had an opportunity to continue but I didn't. 

Why am I such a dummy?

From then until 2017, my work out routine was non-existent to maybe 1-2 times a week. Super pathetic. The times I would go with my husband, I would dread the hell out of it. And when he said that he'll be 45 mins, I expect to be DOOOONE in 45 mins. 

We also joined a gym in 2015. And they suck. I hate them. They don't greet you at the door. And it's like, come on! I don't even want to come to this hell hole and the fact that the front desk doesn't even GREET me makes me REEEEALLLLLYYY not want to be here. 

So after discovering that they suck so bad I stopped going. And started seeking out wtf I wanted to do. 

I bought kickboxing dvds from beach body and did those in my apartment when I didn't have class. 

I bought PiYO- another beach body dvd workout situation. It's a low-impact but high intensity. Yeah, haven't even opened it (though, I really do think I would like it but I just haven't started it), I started 21 day fix-- 6 hours later, I was done. 

Kickboxing was and is a physical activity that I never hated. Ever. In fact, I loved every part of it.

I think I went to the Farrell's website 27 times. ALMOST hitting submit to sign up for their program. But I always backed out. 

And finally, I decided I was going todo it. It was now or never. 

1/7: orientation day. So I'm basically peeing my pants. I am nervous. I am scared. I opened the doors to a packed gym with a million 10 weekers and FIT members all Farrell's apparel'd up. I get easily intimidated if you didn't know.

I really cannot count how many times someone said 'hello' and 'welcome!' to me. 

We were to go get weighed, record our BMI, and measured. Um first off, seeing my weight was a fucking dagger. It was the highest that I've ever seen that number. My first thought is, REALLY?! This is so wrong. My second thought was, never again. 

They tested us on how many pushups and sit ups we could do within one minute.

Pushups (from the knees): 33
Sit ups: 15

After that, I stood in line for the number one reason why I cried and had a panic attack the night before.

They took a 'before' photo. I felt so vulnerable because I was so ashamed of how I looked. And I had to strip down to my sports bra and bottoms in front of people I didn't even know.

I have to talk about a kind soul that must've just saw the fear in my face because she approached me and asked if I was doing ok. And I honestly tried hard to not bawl. I told her that I was just afraid of putting myself out there and feared failing. 

Patricia, you'll never know how much it meant to me that you reached out and put my anxiety at ease. Because of you, I am more confident and strong. Thank you.

My experience with Farrell's have been nothing short of amazing. The community that I longed for was present at class every single day. The cardio workouts finally didn't bored me half to death. The confidence is still developing but I can say that I have more now than I have ever had. The support from other members to push through every workout is motivating. 

In the past I've worked out for other people. Yes. For other people. How fucked up is that?? I felt like I needed the validation of others to boost my confidence. So I shared my journey, progress photos, and posted that I was at the gym for likes and comments. I unfortunately craved recognition rather than focusing on ME and my goals. 

So finally, I decided that I'm going to do this myself. I shared my new fitness adventure with a couple of friends who support me completely. I'm not going to post all over social media. And I'm going to solely workout for me and my health. 

the longest hug

the longest hug

loneliness

loneliness